New constellation discovered by me!

I'm calling it "Orion's Taint" until I can think of something more Greek-y or Ancient World-y...if there even is something more Greek-y or Ancient World-y than the human taint.

My mom's cat is totally stuck up just cuz she was once on the cover of Cats & Ammo!

Jesus, Lola, get over yourself. You're not that hot. You are borderline plus size, you know. Everyone thinks so.

My toys are not playthings.

Jewel Secrets Ken, what are your secrets?
"I'll start by stating what my secret is not. I am not a homosexual. Admittedly, I do have a taste for the baroque one does not typically encounter in men, but this has done nothing to diminish my appetite for heterosexual love-making. These traits needn't be mutually exclusive, and only the most provincial of minds would insist otherwise.

*From 1983 to 1987, I lived the debauched life of a bona fide alcoholic. At the pinnacle of this period, I administered oral sex to a strange woman in front of the guests at a Winter Solstice celebration. The hostess was kind enough to allow this woman to climax before asking us to leave. Several hours later, I awoke on a park bench to find myself completely naked beneath my overcoat. In my left pocket, I found the blood-drenched tail of a squirrel.

*I must premise this secret with a disavowal of sorts: I donate large sums of money to N.O.W. each year and would consider myself either a feminist (for those who think it possible for a man to be a proper feminist) or a feminist-sympathizer (for those who think it impossible). That being said, I have yet to meet a woman I find more searingly attractive than ERA-opponent Phyllis Schlafly. Her politics may be unspeakably repugnant and rank with hypocrisy, but I sense an earthy sensuality about her that I find thoroughly disarming. In my fantasies I picture her laboring in a muggy kitchen, her hands glistening with egg whites and the guts of animals. We make love on the butcher's block, her magnificent freckled legs locked around me and her slimy hands buried in my hair. When we are finished, she lightly punches my arm and says 'I could fuck you forever, Jewels.'

*Contrary to Erica Jong's famous assertion that all people love the smell of their own flatulence, I find that my own gas is not nearly as enticing as the gas of others. In the privacy of my own head, I plead with those around me to share the pungent odor of their inner body so that I might feel less alone. I often regret having cultivated such an urbane lifestyle which denies me this singular pleasure due to its perceived violation of decorum. "

Creepy Crawlies

I really, really hate it when the light bulb burns out in the alcove on the first floor of my apartment building.


It gives me the heeby jeebies, the spooky scaries, et al. While I wait for the elevator and hopelessly try to ignore the Japanese horror movie at the end of the hall, it's all too easy to psyche myself out and imagine that the ghosts of Kelly Taylor, Brenda Walsh, and David Arquette with a Keytar lurk in the darkness.

...and when I look at you, I throw up.

Those closest to me know of Karen Hardy's 1988 opus, The New Breed, and how crucial it is to my happiness and quality of life. A friend gave it to me for my birthday two years ago and (please forgive this moment of banality) it truly is a gift that just keeps on giving!


In the book's introduction, Hardy claims to have had an "awakening" of sorts after seeing River's Edge(!): "There was a scene in which a boy brings his friends into the woods to see the body of a girl he had killed. They hardly reacted. There was no emotion, no remorse, nothing. I realized then that I, too, felt nothing. I cried all the way home. I could not stop. I realized then that I am a part of the world and of other human beings. That I do care. By caring, I can make a difference."

It's not clear what Hardy was attempting to achieve, what change she meant to initiate through this series of interviews with staggeringly hubristic young Method actors (I can tell they're Method disciples because they all try to turn Answering a Question into a sense memory exercise. If you're fortunate enough to have been spared an education in acting theory, "sense memory" is when you remember the smell of your dead mom's perfume or the feel of your dead mom's favorite sweater and get all smug about how you have a dead mom and are so much more observant and nuanced than your fellow actors. Basically, that's what it is). Luckily, her intent means nothing to me and I'm able to enjoy this book for what it truly is: talk-y, swear-y conversations with famous people who were never taught Feelings of Shame!

I've transcribed some of the Greatest (S)hits for your amusement:

Patrick Swayze


Q; What spiritual things are important to you?

A: "To continue to find my center. In martial arts you call it finding your ki. I've found in martial arts a wonderful release. When you've truly found your ki, it's amazing."

(Oh, is that what you were doing in my second favorite scene from Roadhouse? Finding your center?)



"The terrible part is, when you're fighting, trying to achieve this level of finding your center, once you've hit it, everything will go into slow motion. Fighting one, two, three guys becomes child's play. It is beautiful, this incredible feeling, but then you look at the results, the effect of what you've done--the reality that you've destroyed someone's face."

(Oh, you mean like in my first favorite scene from Roadhouse, where you rip out a man's throat with your bare hands after he says he "used to fuck guys like you in prison"?)



Keanu Reeves

(Keanu Reeves and Corey Haim are in a dead heat for Best in Show, in my estimation.)

Q: What do you look for in a script?

A: "I want to be enlightened, dude. I don't know, just interesting stories, interesting people, character development, ideas being posed, clash/conflicts, hate, love, war, death, success, fame, failure, redemption, salvation, death, hell, sin, good food, bad food, nice smells, colors and big tits."

Q: What is the biggest misconception about you?

A: "That I'm clean."

Q: Do you ever get recognized?

A: "It's happened about 12 times. I feel like a young pubic hair. You know, I keep getting checked out and played with sometimes."

Q: If you could star in an onscreen biography of anyone, who would it be and why?

A: "The young part of me would love to play Rimbaud. That sort of appeals to my self-destructive, artistic, cool kind of deep side."

Q: What is your biggest fear?

A: "That my underwear would have a shit stain on it when I'm with a woman that I've never slept with before. That's a major fear. That would be a drag."

Patrick Dempsey

(I sort of can't stand Patrick Dempsey. He strikes me as oppressively smarmy, and the faces he makes in Can't Buy Me Love when he touches a breast for the first time do nothing to dissuade me of this belief.)


Q: If I were to ask one of your friends from high school what you were like, what would they say and how would they describe you?

A: "They thought I was weird because I was into juggling and riding my unicycle."

I KNEW IT!! I must commemorate this revelation posthaste.

NEVUH 4-GET

(Sorry, Pat. We'll always have "You shit on my house!", right?)



Corey Feldman

Q: How old are you?

A: "I don't tell anyone my age; I won't even tell you off the record. I like to be very mysterious."

Q: What do you look for in a script?

A: "I won't do anything where I have to take off my clothes or where I would have to use the F word. I want my image, no matter what, to be clean. No one will ever be able to say 'Look at Corey Feldman. He's sitting there smoking and doing drugs in that movie.' That's just not me."

(Is it still called schadenfreude if you delight in another's PENDING (as of 1988) misfortune?)

Q: What is the biggest misconception about you?

A: "There are a lot of misconceptions, and some of it has to do with the black. A lot of people think black is bad and that I'm morbid because I wear it, which is completely the opposite of my feelings. "

Q: Why do you wear black?

A: "My reasons for wearing black is that black is always conceived of as being bad and morbid and dark and evil. I want people to know black is not a bad thing. People always take white as good and black as bad, whereas white is really the absence of all color and black is all colors combined. I wore black everyday in 1987 as a symbol of anti-racism."

Corey Haim

Q: What do you look for in a script?

A: "Entertainment. Pure nonstop entertainment."

Q: Is being cool important to you?

A: "Being cool is the most important thing. If you lose your cool, you lose everything."

Q: Is cool something outside of you or is it on the inside?

A: "Both. You have to go inside to bring it out. If you're cool inside, and you know you're cool inside, then you can kind of be that without looking egotistical. You can do it in a way that people will say 'Oh, he's cool, but he just doesn't like showing it.'"

Q: Is crying not cool?

A: "Crying is very cool. Crying is actually one of the coolest things you can do."

Q: What spiritual things are important to you?

A: "Crystals. I'm very into crystals. They mean a lot. Instead of saying 'knock on wood', why not say 'knock on crystal'? There's so much more talk about crystals than wood."

Q: Who is the ideal leading lady you could be cast opposite?

A: "Her name is La La; she's my girlfriend right now. One night me and her were at this hotel called Paradise. We watched ourselves kiss in the mirror. It looked perfect."

Q: How do you fit into the context of the New Breed?

A: "I have a rawness about myself. I hope I make it, but if I don't, I'll just get back to life as it was in Toronto. I'm not really worried about it, and besides, I'm cool."


(This is what I get when I do a Google image search for "vast chasm of desperation and loneliness.")

No, not you; the bowlegged one.

The subject of the next installment of Masterpiece Theater will be the gay porn classic, Vision Quest.


In the future, I think it will benefit me to expand this series beyond the eighties teen genre. But for now, I think it will benefit me to intensively study what I consider to be Matthew Modine's extraordinary foxiness in this movie.


I would gladly pay to sleep in this man's dirty laundry, skidmarks be damned.

Do u have a dark side??

What would you say is your favorite scene in Bram Stoker's Dracula? I like the part where 'Noni Rydes goes "Calgon take me away from all this...deathhhhhh!" and proceeds to make blow job-reminiscent love to Gary Oldman's chest!

You can really see the thhhhhh in this picture, huh?



Those with more risqué proclivities might love this scene:


They might love this scene so much that they want to be as close to it as possible. And one night, when their love is especially strong, they make this:


And it is a beautiful thing that you should not be ashamed of, dawg!

Know what else is a beautiful thing you shouldn't be ashamed of? Blingees, provided they are judiciously executed! Blingees are also excellent tools for answering tough questions like

"What does it look like when a famous actress cries money in a period costume?",



"What does it look like when a famous actress cries money AND cries out for help in a period costume?",



and "What does it look like when you tastefully honor the passing of acclaimed actor Paul Newman?"



If you have a question that you'd like me to answer with a Blingee, don't be shy! This is my livelihood!

Masterpiece Theater: Just One of the Guys

When I see these lace-trimmed Hanes Her Way briefs...it feels like home.



Hey movie, way to show and not tell! In a single shot you have conveyed to me, the viewer, that the protagonist is a hottie tottie with a naughty karate body.

Our heroine, Terry Griffith, is played by none other than JOYCE HYSER! What? You don't know who that is? OK, I'm going to play Two Truths And A Lie re: her bod of work. Should be pretty cinchy, because I am going to present the two truths and the lie in that order:

1. Joyce Hyser acted in an episode of Law & Order titled "Placenta Claus is Coming to Town".
2. Joyce Hyser has a non-speaking role as a groupie in Spinal Tap.
3. Joyce Hyser was Billy Barty's butt double until his untimely death in early 2000.

Buddy, Terry's horn dog kid brother, (arguably the best part of this movie, at least in terms of screen shot acquisition) is played by Billy Jacoby, whom you might recognize from his role as a Horn Dog Kid Brother in every movie and TV show between 1984 and 1991.

After enjoyin' a little B-K-F-S-T (American teenager style: Sunny D + centerfolds!)


they're off to their pretend school, Edwina Pearl High.

Dang, Terry is WELL-LIKED! She is a hit with the Sweater People, the Backpack People, even the notoriously aloof Sunglasses People. If she weren't wearing such a shitty outfit, I'd fucking hate her.


Now we're in Terry's journalism class, where she works at a typewriter that will one day be coveted by young people who think antiquated, cumbersome machines are charming.


One of the Sweater People from the opening credits rushes to her side, lookin' anxious in her United Colors of Benetton pullover.


We learn that this particular sweater person is Terry's best friend, Denise, and she is in quite a pickle: the prom is mere weeks away, but the only boys who've expressed any interest in her are dorks who drive unsexy cars! Terry responds in the manner of a cold-hearted snake, rolling her eyes and whining "Denise, please...I'm reeeally into this article". I guess I can see where she's coming from: this is a bullshit tacked-on subplot, and Denise is really lame. She should be played by Shelley Long. Then she'd be cool.


There. That's much better.

After Terry thoroughly dismisses Denise and her stupid problems, the amiable journalism professor, Mr. Raymaker, treats us to some crucial exposition: he has finished reviewing the students' submissions to the Sun Tribune journalism competition and will choose the two best articles after lunch. From these selected articles and (this is IMPORTANT!!) those from rival high school Sturgis Wilder, the Sun Tribune will choose one winner and reward him or her with a summer internship.


(It's probably too early in the film for the average viewer to have noticed this, but all the men in this movie have that James Woods problem where their lips are the exact same color as the skin on their face. Keep your eyes peeled!)

For lunch, Terry and Denise eat hamburgers and drink watery milkshakes at a fast food restaurant. A couple of Sunglasses People walk by to greet Terry and ignore Denise. Well of course they did, Denise! Pointedly disregarding others is the Sunglasses People's raison d'etre! Denise is wondering aloud if she is invisible when Buddy sits down next to her and goes

"You are so HOT."


Denise is all "Buddy, PUH-LEEZE! I'm EATING!"

These two have a very Screech Powers/Lisa Turtle dynamic: he is uninhibitedly affectionate toward her, she consistently responds with hostile disinterest, and he is forever undeterred.

Buddy: "Our parents are out of town for two weeks. You know what that means? Their king size bed is empty. What do you think?"

Denise: "I think if you and I were the last man and woman on earth...the human race would DIE OUT."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Did you hear that?!! She REALLY does not want to have sex with that guy!!

Wait a sec, I think Buddy just revealed something of importance: their parents are in a nebulous state of Out Of Town for two weeks! That's plenty of time for some potentially illegal, gender-bending mischief!

While Buddy's distracted by a blonde in Guess jeans, Terry and Denise head back to school to make sure Terry's article was chosen. It was not.

!!!!!!!!!!PANIC!!!!!!!!!!

Terry goes to the journalism classroom to confront Mr. Raymaker and overhears another teacher saying lecherous things about her bod.


Creepy Teach: "...then I had Terry Griffith for 4th period Physics. Did you see what she's wearing?! The legs do not stop! I say we flunk her, keep her here for another year." (To his credit, at least he didn't say "legs up to her ass", as though that didn't describe all legs.)

Mr. Raymaker: "You better be careful, George, or you're gonna lose your job."

Creepy Teach: "It'd be worth it. It's not that great a job!" (Barf me out, you sad piece of shit. I hope your sock garters come to life and strangle you.)

Mr. Raymaker looks embarrassed when he finds Terry in his office, but not so embarrassed that he actually apologizes or anything. Them's the breaks, I guess!

Terry doesn't seem to care either. She just wants to know what was wrong with her article. He tactfully tells her it wasn't very interesting and she's like "Oh, I see. So what you're trying to tell me is that the nutritional content of our school lunches isn't interesting?!" Yes, that's exactly what he's trying to tell you! Who knows, maybe Mr. Raymaker is a Reagan supporter and he didn't agree with your take on dude's proposal to reclassify ketchup and relish as vegetables. Personally, girl, I just think you were way ahead of your time on this one. These days, people love nothing more than to hear about the myriad ways public schools poison, lie to, and generally fuck over their children.

Terry leaves school in a huff and returns to No Parents Manor to sulk by her swimming pool. Her boyfriend, college dickweed Kevin, stops by to comfort her but all he wants to do is make out and mock her ambitions, so she asks him to leave.


Just when Terry thinks her day can't get any shittier, she walks into Buddy's bedroom to find the walls festooned with naked lady pictures.


"Your room is why my life is totally screwed up!" she declares. "You guys think beautiful women are nothing but decoration! Total airheads!"

(Wait, didn't this movie open with a totally gratuitous shot of Terry prone on a bed in her underwear? I thought they banned brazen hypocrisy along with Payola practices and interfacial love 30 years ago!)

Terry rants for a couple more minutes in her awesome tee-shirt.


"It's like Women's Lib never existed! I mean, I write an excellent article and just because I'm 'cute', no one takes me seriously. It's not fair! I bet if a guy submitted the same article, it'd be at the Sun Tribune right now!"

I always think she's gonna make an Epiphany Face here, but she doesn't. So we'll just have to pretend she did, cool?

1...2...3...EPIPHANY FACE!


Later that evening, the doorbell rings. Buddy pauses before answering the door and wonders "What are the odds of this being a homeless nymphomaniac?" (Huh? I understand the nympho part, Buddy, but how would you benefit from her homelessness?) and it's TERRY in an outfit that, incidentally, does make her look a little bit homeless.


Buddy thinks she's a guy for all of 7 seconds, but that's all the encouragement she needs to further pursue this experiment.

After a crash course in

Dude Stance,


Ostentatious Ball-Scratching,



and what I think is called a Pimp Walk,


plus a realistic but impressive sock-in-the-pants...and I guess she's good to go!



The next scene opens in the parking lot of Sturgis Wilder High, where Terry has transferred for the purposes of this project.


Boy Terry is kind of a babe, right? The hair and the outfit are a bit overworked, but that's to be expected with early attempts at cross-dressing. She'll get cuter with practice.

I was just thinking about how Terry looks like an undercover cop "transferring" this late in the school year, but you know what? There's also a lot about Terry's carriage and mannerisms that make her seem narc-ish! She swings her arms a lot when she walks (just like the teens!), stands up too straight, and she's way too gregarious with strangers. No wonder those Aryans wanted to kick her ass.


Hey, it's Willam Zabka!


(How you been, motherfucker? You doin' OK? Good, that's good. Yeah, I heard this terrible rumor that you'd gained a bunch of weight and started working at a junk shop where you also sell pot. Thank god that's a lie!)

Zabka and his underlings are administering wedgies and talking about body-building ("Once you're into power-blitzing, super-sets is like jerkin' off!") when Terry makes an awkward, gay-seeming attempt at insinuating herself into the conversation. Zabka calls Terry a pussy, then demonstrates the "pussy toss, for distance" by flinging her into some nearby bushes.

Do you think we've seen the last of him? I think not

Terry is helped out of the bushes by a brown person. No, not like a Person Of Color, weirdos. I mean a person who is clothed entirely in various shades of brown, of course!


Brown Person: "I see you met Greg Tolan. He kinda runs the school. I'm Rick Morehouse. Try not to get us confused."

Dang, it smells like Sensitive Loner Love Interest up in here!

Altercations with muscular homophobes aside, the day starts out smoothly. Terry uses the men's room without incident and even convincingly punches the soap dispenser, just like the guys do!


Then gym class rolls around and everything gets stressful and shitty again. I think Terry makes this way more difficult than it needs to be. Why not just change into your gym clothes in a bathroom stall like a normal teenager who hates their body? Why go through all the trouble of setting a small fire to start the sprinklers?


That affords you some privacy, sure, but you're still changing under a sprinkler system and you'll have to wear uncomfortably damp clothes for the rest of class.


It's just a deeply flawed plan, is all I'm saying.

They're playing basketball in P.E. and it's Shirts Vs. Skins! And guess which team Terry is on?! How's she gonna get out of this one?! Feign an agonizing miscarriage and ask to go to the nurse? Yes! That is exactly how she will get out of this one!


Only she doesn't go to the nurse. Instead, Terry meets with the school's journalism teacher and has him read her article about school lunches and he, too, thinks it's dull and unworthy of being published.

"You gotta grab the reader! Goose 'em a little! Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you can't write with sensitivity and feeling..."

Oh, that's such bullshit! Writing with "sensitivity and feeling" is for fiction classes where your homework requires "people watching" at the farmer's market, not for city newspapers! God, this movie has NO credibility!

Terry's back at home now, mourning and eating ice cream with Denise, who is wearing another United Colors of Benetton pullover.


"Maybe Raymaker was right about my article. But I know I can do better! Today was a disaster and I was a major geek, but they all thought I was a guy!"

Emboldened by her ability to pass, Terry decides to continue this charade: "There's a story here. I don't know what it is, but I've got until a week from Monday to find it. Tomorrow I'm going back to Sturgis Wilder and I'm gonna make friends, any friends I can find!"

Denise is concerned that Terry's double life will be difficult to hide from her boyfriend, Kevin. I second that emotion. This isn't a top secret fungal toenail, Terry; this is a prolonged Brandon Teena impersonation. Are y'all ready for this?

"Don't worry. Kevin will never find out."

Well OK, then. Let's get this show on the road!

It's the next day at school and boy Terry looks really cute. Yeah, this is my favorite boy Terry outfit, for sure.


She overhears a girl lamenting the loss of the back of her earring. Terry advises her to remove an eraser from a pencil and use that instead. Good horse sense, that!

At lunch, Terry finds Rick Morehouse sitting alone with his headphones on and asks if she can join him. She's indiscriminately trying to make friends, remember? He complies, they have a strained conversation about the alienation that comes with being a New Kid, and then the earring back girl from the previous scene stops by to thank Terry for her help. She is clutching the meaty paw of Greg Tolan.

"Thanks! It worked great!"


Rick is impressed.

Rick: "You know Deborah Strowbridge?!" (What is up with this movie and its insistence on surnames for everybody?)

Terry: "Not really."

Rick: "But I mean...she talked to you. Deborah Strowbridge is per-FEC-tion."

(OK, I have to interject here that I HATE it in movies when weirdo loner guys lust after vapid popular girls, but I hate it even more when this happens in real life, which it often does. Many a seemingly cool dude have broken ma heart by pursuing extraordinarily bland women with belly button piercings and mall pants and straightened hair. It's like a fetish if a dude likes ladies who don't spend their lives performing this mundane, impersonal idea of Sexiness, you know? Ladies and lady-sympathizers, if you'll indulge the cliche...I want you to go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell "I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE!")

Terry: "It seems to me like she's got a boyfriend."

Rick: "Well, there's no accounting for taste."

Indeed! Look, man, Deborah's a major dipshit. See?


While Rick and Terry continue their Getting To Know Ya talk, a young Sherilyn Fenn espies Terry from across the cafeteria.


"Look...what a fox. Dresses like Elvis Costello, looks like the Karate Kid. I'm gonna get him!"

(Did you know that Fenn almost had that mole by her left eye removed? Luckily, Tyra Banks talked her out of it just in time.

Tyra Banks: "Sherilyn, your FLAWS are what make you GORGEOUS."

Sherilyn Fenn: "Shit, TB, you're right. I'm keeping this fucking mole."

Tyra Banks: "HUMAN is BEAUTIFUL; PERFECT is BORING."

Sherilyn Fenn: "Yeah, I know, and I already said you were right. Now get out of my beautiful human face."

Tyra Banks: "Fine. But don't forget that I MADE YOU, and I can just as easily DESTROY YOU."

And that's why Sherilyn Fenn's once-promising acting career is such a sad joke these days!)

Saints be praised, Terry forges a doctor's note to excuse her from P.E. for the duration of this project. The teacher is a total dick about it.

Gym Teacher: "Whatsa matter? Ya got a wittle tummy ache? What are you, a PUSSY?!"

And as punishment for being a total pussy, he makes boy Terry hand out towels to his naked classmates on their way out of the shower. That'll show him!


After school, Sherilyn Fenn and her banana clip make Terry's acquaintance.


Sherilyn Fenn: "Hi! I'm Sandy!" (Sandy what? Surely you have a surname, right? No? That's strange. Maybe you're not as important as everyone else in this movie.)

Terry: "I'm Terry."

Sherilyn Fenn: "Yeah, I know...that's an incredible tie. Where'd you get it?"

Terry: "At a store."

Sherilyn Fenn: "Bitchin'!"

Aaw, she's cute! I sure hope she finds love in a later scene, don't you?


Terry finds Rick in the parking lot and gives him a ride home. They hang out at his ugly stucco house, drink Repo Man beer,




and talk about the upcoming senior prom. Rick reveals that he doesn't have a date. Terry, in a bald attempt to hide her simmering crush on him, gets all enthusiastic about helping him bag a babe. Oh, we also learn that Rick is "kind of into James Brown", but that has little bearing on the plot and only serves to make Rick seem like less of a weenie.

Back at Sturgis Wilder the next day, Rick begins his desperate quest for a prom date. After being rejected by a combination Sweater/Sunglasses Person


and a Backpack Person,


things are looking pretty bleak.

But all is not lost! Sandy will hook you up, dawg!

Sandy: "Hey, Terry! Word's out your friend's desperate for a prom date. He'd love my cousin Jill. She's cute."

Terry: "How cute?"

Sandy: "Extremely. She's got, like, Joan Collins' eyes, Christie Brinkley's teeth..."

Terry: "What about the rest of her?"

Sandy: "She's got Karl Malden's nose, flanked by two Jean Paul Belmondo noses. And Herve Villechaize's little hands. She's a goddamn monster, OK?!


But she's a super mega babe on the inside. Rick has to meet her! How 'bout we all meet up at The Cave tonight?"

Terry: "...this Jill better be some girl!"

Actually, Sandy was selling Jill pretty short. She's not a monster, she's just 12-years-old!


Oh, Sandy, you sneaky little minx!

More Repo Man beers are had.


Jill and Rick go for a walk, and Sandy does Tickle Torture on Terry.


(Tickle Torture is the worst, ain't it? You're like "Stop it! Stop it!" and the other person's like "If you want me to stop, how come you're laughing and smiling, huh?!" Man, fuck Tickle Torture, you know?)

Sandy gets horned up real fast and boldly reaches down Terry's pants, where she finds the balled up tube sock. She's actually pretty cool about it.

Terry: "There really is a very good explanation for that."

Sandy: "I'm flattered. But you don't have to do this to impress me. It's OK! I mean, how small can it be?"

I honestly don't know. I've heard that some women have clitorises the size of geoducks.

TA DA!

Terry comes home from her date and Kevin's there waiting for her. A Sneaky Stressful Outfit Change ensues and it's giving me Ladybugs flashbacks.


I hate Sneaky Stressful Outfit Changes! Let's skip this scene, OK? There are plenty more Sneaky Stressful Outfit Changes where that came from, anyway.

The next morning, Terry meets Rick at his ugly stucco house and tells him his lady troubles will be solved if he improves his grooming and style of dress. She takes him shopping and, unfortunately, we are not treated to a makeover montage (I hate a Sneaky Stressful Outfit Change, but I love nothing more than a good makeover montage). Instead, we just see Rick in the next scene with mousse in his hair and two popped collars.


Deborah Dipshit eyes his new look approvingly.

Deborah Dipshit: "You look a little different."

Terry: "Kid went shoppin', got a haircut...welcome to the eighties!"

Deborah Dipshit: "Very sharp."

Greg Tolan overhears this exchange and inwardly seethes until lunch time, when he accidentally-on-purpose spills spaghetti all over Rick's jacket.


Fuckin' dick.

Rick tries to clean up in the men's room while Terry fumes and paces angrily.

Terry: "Why didn't you slug that asshole?!"

Rick: "He said he was sorry."

Terry: "And you believed him?"

Rick: "Terry, he can lift cars." (Haha! I find this line to be funny!)

For a moment, Terry breaks character and tenderly brushes Rick's hair behind his ear.


He flinches but doesn't savagely beat Terry's ass for pulling some Gay Shit, so he's apparently not a total asshole.

Terry tries to save face by marveling at how ruggedly heterosexual this whole interaction is. No, for real.

Terry: "Hey, isn't this great? You know, here we are. Couple of guys, hangin' out in the men's room, leanin' up against the urinals, talkin' about broads and fights. Just like a couple of guys, you know? This is what you call 'typical male bonding', like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."

Haha! Butch Cassidy indeed! Emphasis on the BUTCH! You get it? Cuz she looks like a lesbian! Pee on me.

Pssst...Rick's spaghetti stain got a whole lot worse with all that washing up. It looks like he puked on his own chest.


Poor guy.

They end their rap session with a vague pledge to combat Greg Tolan's brawn with their brains...somehow.

Luckily, an opportunity for just such a showdown presents itself at lunch the next day. Greg Tolan's going about his usual business, lifting the nerds' cafeteria table and spilling their food everywhere while the inept custodian looks on helplessly.


Rick decides that this crap has gotta stop.

Rick: "Man, Terry...this crap has gotta stop!"

And with that, he stands up on his table and starts to...I want to say "starts to ape James Brown", but that has racist implications. Anyway, he's being uncharacteristically charismatic and flamboyant and the crowd is LOVING IT!


He insinuates that Greg obsessively works out to compensate for "a small weenie"


and inspires the whole cafeteria to lift their tables and spill their food at Greg's feet.


Following that episode, Rick is widely considered to be hot shit, and Terry thinks he should seize this opportunity to secure a prom date. And who does he ask? Why, Deborah Dipshit of course! And not only does she accept, she kisses him on the cheek, too!


Terry looks positively crestfallen!


I see London, I see France, I see someone's true colors shining through...PANTS!

The next couple scenes are tedious and inconsequential and can be summed up thusly: Kevin's a brutish asshole with prosaic taste in women (how does he not comprehend the cuteness of Terry's new haircut??), and Sandy is an admirably forward horn dog. Now let's go to the motherfucking prom.

The seniors are serenaded by a band of incredibly ugly dudes. Like, uglier than Supergrass ugly.




Told ya!

Terry is there with Denise and alternates between shimmyin' and glowerin' at Rick and Deborah Dipshit's conspicuous nuzzling.


Denise, on the other hand, is having a blast. No one at the prom "knows [she] used to be fat" and the ugly man with the pointy guitar keeps giving her "I am going to fuck you later" eyes. Exciting!


The band takes a break and the seniors mingle. I feel real bad for Sandy. She has the best outfit of all the girls there and she is sans date, workin' the refreshment table?


This chick better find love before the end of the movie or I'll eat my hat!

Meanwhile, Buddy's "wallowing in his virginity" at No Parents Manor when Kevin barges in looking for Terry. Buddy starts to make up some shit about Terry being in a cult, but he cracks after Kevin threatens to kick his ass.


Buddy: "If I tell you where she is, you gotta take me with you. I don't wanna miss this!"

It really is quite exciting! Greg Tolan starts a fight with Rick while he's slow dancin' with Deborah ("May I cut in?" PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH!) and, shockingly, Rick sort of kicks his ass and leaves him to die on the beach shore.


Kevin shows up and announces that he's Terry's boyfriend and everyone is so confused! Girl Terry takes Rick aside to elucidate this crazy shit for him.

Terry: "I bet you're a little confused."

Rick: "I think I understand."

Terry: "I know I shoulda told you sooner but...I didn't. I'm a g-"

Rick: "Terry, I know. You're gay."

Terry: "I'm not gay. I'm a girl. I'm a WOMAN."


So I saw this movie when I was in Italy on 9/11 and they totally obscured her nipples with Maria Callas' face for this scene. Seems uncharacteristically prudish of 'em, huh? But it happened, I swear.


Does anyone else find it highly improbable that Terry didn't so much as wear a bra while in drag? And yet she managed to conceal her ample breasts in the skinniest of new wave fashions. Very curious indeed!

Rick is strangely callous (or is he CALLAS?) after Terry flashes her boobs at him. I thought the sight of well-formed juggs made guys docile. Not so with Rick. He actually says "Where do you get off having tits?!" Shit, dawg, how the hell is she supposed to answer that?

Terry: "There was this contest and I...I needed to prove it, but then I stayed and I met you and you're so wonderful and your friendship means so much to me, etc."

None of this placates Rick.

Rick: "Then this whole thing was bullshit? MAJOR bullshit?"

Terry: "Rick, you gotta believe me!"

Rick: "Right, TERRENCE. Because you've been so honest until now."

He gives Terry a withering look and storms off.

Oh yeah, there are other people at the prom. Back on the dance floor, Buddy and Sandy make a horn dog love connection.


Deborah Dipshit and her awful dress are searching the crowd for Rick. He marches toward her while Terry pleads and begs for forgiveness behind him. Finally, Terry runs out of words (literally. She was like "Sorry! Forgive! Apology! Friendship! Apple Cart! Apple Cart! Apple Cart!") and roughly shoves her tongue down his throat, just like one of the guys!


There is a collective Shocked Gasp from the crowd.

Rick: "It's OK, everbody, it's all right. He has tits."

Jesus Huckleberry Christ, Rick, that's a needlessly vulgar way to put it. Furthermore, "tits" don't always denote femaleness. Didn't you see that severely unsettling video of Richard Speck with bosoms and satin underpants?

Rick leaves with Deborah Dipshit, leaving Terry alone and humiliated. She makes an awkward exit ("Whoooah, look at the time. 9:15 already! Gotta go! Had a lovely time!" God, weirdo, you're just making it worse!) and returns home. Sad Sad Saxophone music plays as she makes her way to the front door.

Terry enters Buddy's room and finds him all blissed out in bed with Sandy. YES!!!


She shuts the door and allows them to resume what I'm sure is some really proficient fucking.

Back in her own room, girl Terry is typing in her underwear and weeping unphotogenically.


The camera closes in on the page she's typing and we learn that Terry is a fucking awful writer!



I WAS A TEENAGE BOY

By TERRY GRIFFITH

Ever wondered what it would be like to enter the mysterious
(the next line is obscured)
even their locker room? It never crossed my mind, until fate
forced yours truly, a typical eighteen year-old girl, to become...
a teenage boy!

Man, there is no way she's going to win the internship with this piece of shit...unless, of course, she does!

Terry's article is appallingly well-received by both the Sun Tribune and her high school classmates. She is the toast of Edwina Pearl High, just like she was at the start of the movie, but now it's for her body AND her brain! My fave praise comes from the nerd with Pert Plus hair:


"I really liked your article. Especially the part about how you can be cool even if you don't dress cool and stuff. I feel the same way."

But all the accolades and adoration in the world mean nothing without the l-o-v-e of R-i-c-k! That prick better have a Change of Heart soon...

Our final scene opens in front of the Sun Tribune offices. Buddy can drive now, and he's here to give Terry a ride home and lift her spirits.


"I've got a driver's license and a sex life. You've got the job of your dreams and a chauffeur. Life is sweet. Let's go get ice cream."


Holy shit! Rick, how long have you been leaning against the car? You didn't hear that part about the chauffeur and the ice cream, did you? Ah, fuck it, let's reconcile!

Rick: "You look good in a dress. Very good."

Hmmm...no offense, Rick, but as far as dresses go, this one is atrocious!


Look at that thing! It's like she stole it from a fancy teddy bear!


No offense to any teddy bears in the audience. She just looks like she's gonna infiltrate one of those picnics y'all are always having. What do you guys call 'em? Oh yeah, Teddy Bears' Picnics. That's pretty clever. Y'all should write for the Sun Tribune.

OK, enough about Terry and her teddy bear dress. Sorry.

Terry: "I thought you hated me."

Rick: "I missed you. I read your article. Do you still feel the same way about me?"

Terry: "Yeah, I guess I do. Hey, why don't we go out and have some fun? You know, maybe we can go out dancing Friday nigh--"

Rick: "Wait a minute. I'm the guy here. Let me just try this: why don't we go out dancing Friday night?"

Terry: "Oooh, Rick! I just love this domineering new side of you! Get out of my dreams and into my car, which I will allow you to drive since you're the guy here!"

As Rick starts the car, a sexy middle-aged woman on a motorcycle appears out of nowhere!


Buddy makes the "I want to have statutory rape with you" eyes at her, she makes the "No, I want to have statutory rape with YOU" eyes back at him, and they drive off into the sunset like at the end of that Meatloaf video where he plays a friendly monster.

Terry and Rick blast shitty Ronnie Spector solo jams and exit stage left, rejoicing in a future free of Sneaky Stressful Outfit Changes!

FIN!