Saturday, August 15, 2009

Things That Exist

A rendering of The Last Supper starring one Mr. Dan Aykroyd: this exists!

Friday, July 10, 2009


"Wilted daisies in a drum majorette helmet"=unequivocal, universal shorthand for Belle and Sebastian.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

G(orgeous) L(adies) O(f) W(hite Slavery)

My favorite Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are those with NO BRAVADO WHATSOEVER who wanly threaten their similarly swagger-deficient rivals from the pastel hallways of a retirement home.

"I'm gonna...sink my teeth into her. I'm gonna do it."

"When they push me, I hurt them."

"They will...remember this day."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Proust Questionnaire with Ian Ziering

With dozens of beloved performances and two Stuff Magazine awards to his name, the incomparable Ian Ziering has left a professional mark on Hollywood that cannot be surpassed. Herewith, the Legend of Awesomest Maximus star pauses to reflect on autism, Jennifer Tilly, pop-up books, and Malcolm X.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Freak dancing like no one is watching.

2. What is your greatest fear?

To be surrounded by shawls.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Seething bigotry.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?


5. Which living person to you most admire?

Mother Teresa.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?

Pop-up books.

7. What is your current state of mind?

Hard, straight.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Real tits.

9. On what occasion do you lie?

Halloween and Easter.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My sunglasses.

11. Which living person do you most despise?

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?

Girth and physical warmth.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

A willingness to let me brush her hair. I'd do it real slow and whisper "How you doin'?"

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

"Elementary, my dear Watson"; "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"; "Tastes so good, cats ask for it by name"; "Does the carpet match the drapes?"

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My 60-year-old wooden sail boat, Nikki.

16. When and where were you happiest?

Passionately motorboating a certain MTV VJ (it was Kennedy) at a solstice party in 1997.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?

Telekinesis, so I could feed the hungry without touching them.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My sunglasses.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Going down on a certain MTV VJ (it was Kennedy) in a jacuzzi. I held my breath for, I think, seven minutes.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?

A bumblebee. Or the wind.

21. Where would you most like to live?

Mystic Tan.

22. What is your most treasured possession?

The SlamMan™

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Jennifer Tilly.

24. What is your favorite occupation?

Tracing my hand and drawing feathers and a beak on it so that it resembles a turkey.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?

My left hand is dynamite!

26. What do you most value in your friends?

Promiscuity, duplicity, loyalty and masochism.

27. Who are your favorite writers?

Louisa May Alcott, Lucy Maud Montgomery, Zora Neale Hurston, Katherine Anne Porter and Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

28. Who is your hero of fiction?

Malcolm X.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

James Bond.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?

Sidney Poitier, Bono and Pink.

31. What are your favorite names?

Apollonia, Spinderella and Kris Kristofferson.

32. What is is that you most dislike?

The suffering of sexy people.

33. What is your greatest regret?

All the books I never wrote and all the donkey shows I missed.

34. How would you like to die?

In a logging accident.

35. What is your motto?

"Always look hot" or "Make each day your hottest."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

"She got that magna cum laude pussy on her that done fried up your brain!"

If you ask me, the real star of Basic Instinct isn't The Turtleneck Dress,

The Needlessly Brutal Sex Scenes,

or Michael Douglas' constipated orgasms.

It's Jeanne Tripplehorn's Bart Simpson keychain!

Great Bonnets In Cinema: Providing Maximum Protection During Your Period Piece

Friday, December 19, 2008

Snow, dawgs!

You all know why Snow Flurry '08 is upon us, right? In case you haven't heard, a mortal touched a unicorn,

pretty much unleashing the forces of darkness and causing it to snow.

If I were you, I'd go and apologize to any unicorns I may have offended recently, just to be on the safe side.


-can you even believe that Ridley Scott loathes Legend's Tangerine Dream score? Does he not understand that Tangerine Dream does nothing but unequivocal good for one's movie?

-can you even believe that a film exists wherein Tom Cruise says sorry to a unicorn? While swaddled in a pelt?

-can you even believe the Dark Lord symbolically turned Lily into a lesbian? What was that supposed to accomplish? I thought he wanted her to be his girlfriend.