Friday, October 31, 2008

Rubber buns and liquor

The following people and things wish you a happy halloween:

the ghost of Dana Hill doin' some occult shit,

boob glory holes,

Robert Downey Jr. bein' taunted with a crack pipe,

P.J. Soles,

and Noose Hair.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Don't you know it's bad luck to let retarded people in your home?

My Halloween costume is actually coming together this year:

I've already patterned and sewn the dunce cap! Yeah, I fucking patterned a CONE tailored to my personal noggin. Skill beyond skill!

That's Kate Bush, bee tee dubs, in case you're a TOTAL PLEBE.

I used to feel so down-trodden and isolated if my Halloween costume went unappreciated by my peers. Now that I'm a huge snob, howevs, I just quietly gloat about my ability to reference shit that happened earlier than six months ago. The only costumes that [Jennifer] garner significant recognition are sold at Party City and based on characters from recent action-adventure franchises. Oh, and the Droogs from Clockwork Orange are always weirdly well-received. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to dress like Droogs with a group of friends! It makes your adult sons look like eighth graders who lie about "cutting" and pretend to understand Hunter S. Thompson.

Monday, October 27, 2008


I did a Google Image search for "fimo clay baby".

My faves are the "cradleboards" from Authentic American Indian Dolls. They look like heavily made-up female corpses in snug coffins made from pelts.

Coming soon...

Friday, October 24, 2008

Masterpiece Theater: The Last American Virgin

[This is the first installment in a series of posts about the heavenly crap I love to watch. Please forgive the sub-par quality of some of the images. They're hastily-edited pictures I took with my cell phone.]

Based on the title and poster alone, you'd think this film was about the efforts of a young Gary Shandling to experience his first porking, lest he become the titular Last American Virgin. But you would be dead wrong, cuz it's about THE HOLOCAUST, as is Little Monsters, Monkey Trouble, Troop Beverly Hills (Shelley Long's role is clearly an homage to Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS), and Sleepaway Camp.

PSYCH! Just a lil' Holocaust humor, pals.

Moving on, while this masterpiece does focus on the loss of male virginity (and the Gary Shandling-looking character's name actually is Gary!), it's certainly not the focus of the film. This movie is too erratic and insane to even have a proper focal point; it's just a carnival of massive dick jokes, vile misogyny and racism, a redundant, confusing soundtrack, and an alarmingly regressive, moralizing treatment of adolescent sexuality. In short, it's fucking great and I would gladly watch it every day for the rest of my life and screen it at my funeral.

The film opens at Young Gary Shandling's place of employment, The Pink Pizza, and we learn that Gary drives a pale pink station wagon filled with pale pink pizza boxes as part of his job. This is unspeakably emasculating. We the viewers sympathize with Gary immediately, do we not?

Once his shift is over, Gary heads to the local teenage hot spot (a nameless diner I like to call the Satyricon Burger Shack on account of the semi-nude couples humping on its perimeter at all times) to meet a couple of his shitty friends, Rick and David. You might know Rick as the suave preppy prick from Goonies. Don't worry, he's still a suave prick in this movie so there shouldn't be any confusion. David, the chubby friend, is considerably less familiar. In fact, IMDB claims that this actor's only other credited film role is in a movie called Hot Chili (!!!!)

On his way in, Gary sees love interest Karen (one of the princesses/"historical babes" from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) for the first time. This is the face he makes at her:

Karen is wearing a lamé headband (available at your friendly neighborhood American Apparel) and admittedly does look quite lovely.

She regards Gary with a quizzical/frightened expression and heads outside with her ice cream cone. Gary gazes after her longingly before joining Rick and David at their table.

Rick and David conspicuously whisper and leer as Gary takes his seat. They draw his attention to a table occupied by three unmemorable teenage girls.

Rick: Ya see those three chicks over there? David was just tellin' me they're easy lays.

Gary: David, you're imagining easy lays!

David: I'm not imagining! Listen Gary, Tommy's brother screws that blonde like he owns her.

Well, then! The girls accept David's invitation to the boys' table (he puts on his sunglasses before approaching them so as to appear more trustworthy, I guess) and Rick invites them to a party at Gary's house. They seem hesitant, but David promises them cocaine and they enthusiastically pile into Gary's pale pink PUSSYMOBILE.

The gang arrives at Gary's extremely well-lit familial abode. Man, is there anything more bleak than an extremely well-lit coke party? Apparently not, since the girls seem pretty excited about the prospect of having one. But wait! The boys don't HAVE any coke! If they don't come through, the girls will leave and no one's knob will get waxed! BLARGH! Good thing these guys are amoral liars and have no qualms about plying strange girls with Sweet 'N Low.

Don't forget the Chex Party Mix, Gary! It's just not a party without Chex Party Mix, am I right?

Shockingly, the girls are fooled by this ("It's the best Colombian I've ever had!") and the placebo effect makes them all horned up. They pair off and get busy, with varying degrees of success.

Rick, being the most conventionally attractive of the dudes, effortlessly beds the brunette in the satin pants.

David makes a play for the blonde he was admiring earlier, but she doesn't want to disrobe in front of him and insists that he step out onto the patio and count to 100 while she gets undressed and waits for him under the covers. What the fuck? Does she also want to do it through a hole in the sheet so she remains "technically a virgin"? What a weirdo.

Gary is in the middle of feebly instigating a make-out with the sexually indifferent bespectacled girl when his PARENTS COME HOME EARLY!! He actually plays it cool for a couple of minutes, but it all goes to pot when Rick and his lady friend have a post-coital Naked Frolic across the living room. The parents shriek, The Cars' "Shake It Up" plays, and everyone rushes outside to Gary's car...everyone, that is, except for David, who is still on the patio counting to 100. ZOINKS ZOINKS ZOINKS!

God, this scene is tedious. Gary's mom climbs into bed in her curlers and bath robe, David, thinking she's the blonde girl, climbs in after her, she screams, Gary's dad runs in and swats David with his shoe, The Cars' "Shake It Up" plays AGAIN as David scurries to the car in his underwear, and everyone laughs heartily as they drive away.

The next scene finds us in the boys' locker room, where they engage in Guy Stuff like measuring each other's naked erections.

[I found this video at the blog From the Rear, "a celebration of the male bum in cinematic history." Give it a look if you harbor an unconditional love for dudes' butts like I do. This sounds hyperbolic, but I have yet to encounter a male ass I didn't find disarmingly cute. More on this later.]

After getting that outta their collective systems, the boys go to lunch. Gary spots Karen at an adjacent cafeteria table (sitting with a girl nerd played by Lucy from Twin Peaks) and asks David if he knows her name and where she lives. David scribbles something into the sinister-looking little notebook he's always carrying around and assures him that "for a small fee, I think can find out."

Cut to Gary trying to appear casual as he slowly rolls through Karen's neighborhood, eagerly peering out the car window like a suburban pederast. He recognizes her bicycle in the driveway of one of the houses, quickly hops out of the car and LETS THE AIR OUT OF HER FUCKING TIRES. Then he backs his car up a few blocks so he can drive by her house again without appearing suspicious. This might seem creepy, but the soundtrack urges us to feel otherwise; REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Lovin' You" renders Gary's behavior romantic rather than alarming, ya see.

So Karen fusses with her bike and Gary comes to her rescue as planned. He's like "Mornin'! Somethin' wrong with your bike? Oooh, looks like you have a flat! Can I offer you a ride?" Karen accepts his offer and they proceed to have the most bizarre exchange I've ever witnessed in a movie of this genre:

Gary: What's your name?

Karen: Karen.

Gary: Sharon?

Karen: KAREN.

Gary: Marion?

Karen: Karen, with a K.

Gary: Oh, KAREN. Why didn't you say so?

Karen: I just did!

Seriously, was that supposed to demonstrate their undeniable chemistry? Let me know if you have any thoughts on this matter...

Emboldened by their love-and-life-affirming car ride, Gary invites Karen to a "great, happening party tonight." She tells him she's busy, but "there's always the next time."

At the party that night, everyone is arhythmically jumping in place to Oingo Boingo songs. There are streamers, balloons, chinese lanterns, joints, and a guy in a Devo hat.

It looks like a lot of fun! Gary walks in, tosses his vinyl jacket over his shoulder like he's in a Lamont's fashion show, and immediately starts drinking straight from a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Aaaw, adolescent-style boozing. When I first started drinking in high school, I was naive to the concept of alcoholic volume versus physical volume and frequently downed pints of vodka and had no idea why I made life-ruining decisions whenever I had A Drink With Friends.

But enough about me!

David, sporting sunglasses indoors yet again, finds Gary and tells him that Karen came to the party after all. YES! But wait...she came here with that crispy-haired lothario, Rick! He is wearing an emerald green dress shirt of brushed silk, she is wearing a strapless jumpsuit of silver lamé, and they are dancing together in a decidedly ribald fashion.

But OF COURSE they are, Gary! They are both conventionally cute! Didn't your parents ever tell you that inter-facial relationships never work out? Cute people go with other cute people, less-than-cute people go with other less-than-cute people, and ne'er the twain shall meet. It's God's plan.

Sadly, Gary does not know about the hopelessness of the inter-facial love connection he so desires. He proceeds to get embarrassingly drunk and glare at Rick and Karen as they ravenously french on the dance floor.

Before he gets the chance to really fuck up the festivities, David helps Gary to his car and knowingly lets him drive home in a dangerously inebriated state. Friendship!

Some time later (I still can't tell if this movie takes place in the span of several days, weeks or months) Gary is out delivering pizzas when he meets Carmela, a breathy-voiced sex pot of indeterminate ethnicity. My notes on this scene read "Carmela: Brazilian?", but she keeps calling Gary "muchacho" and I think they speak Portugese in Brazil. She traipses around her apartment in black lace lingerie, which makes Gary suspect that she is one of those Easy Lays he's been hearing so much about. When he breaks a jar of papaya jam on her kitchen floor and she responds by feeding the jam to him off of her finger, he's sure she WANTS IT!

And what do we do when we happen upon such a libertine? We tell our friends and invite them to fuck her, of course!

The next day (I think? It could just be later in the afternoon. Gary's wearing the same outfit as he was in the previous scene, so it's quite possible that only a few hours have passed) the dudes visit Carmela under the pretense of sharing some extra pizza with her. She invites them in ("You are friends of my muchacho? Good, good! We have a pizza party!") and serves them tequila.

David thinks she might be a hooker ("You sure this ain't gonna cost us?") but Gary insists that "she does it because she LOVES it!" And that's the truth! After entrancing the dudes with some sensual dancing in her underpants, she and Rick retire to the boudoir for a little P in V.

A minute and a half later, it's David's turn (not sure how or when they negotiated this whole train-pulling deal, but Carmela seems cool with it. She keeps squealing "Ay yi yi, you are driving Carmela crazy!") He's nervous at first, but then Carmela eyes his erection and goes "Bueno!" and it is ON.

Poor, poor Gary. He never gets his turn with Carmela. Paco, her moustachioed fiancee, returns home early. And he is NOT happy to see a bunch of teenage boys in various states of undress languishing about his living room! He chases the dudes down the street shaking his fist and cursing them in Spanish. They narrowly escape. PHEW! Glad that's over. I sure hope Paco didn't savagely beat Carmela as punishment for her indiscretions!

Man, this movie is much longer than I thought. I'll be brief for the next few scenes, ok?

I. Rick and Gary go on a double date with Karen and Lucy from Twin Peaks. They end up at The Point (in Canada they call it The Zone) and do that weird thing in movies where two couples make out in the same car and aren't at all embarrassed of getting all carnal in front of their peers. Perhaps others' carnality is more photogenic than mine (I suspect I look like Jerry O' Connell suffering a grand mal when I have an orgasm. Sorry if that disturbs you.)

The scene ends with some lame hijinks that aren't even worth mentioning. A lake is involved. Really, it's not even worth mentioning. OK fine, Gary accidentally pops the clutch with his foot and the car rolls into a lake. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

II. David knows someone who knows a working prostitute and invites Rick and Gary to do her. They meet her on a street that strongly resembles certain parts of Vancouver B.C., where she is smoking and looking like Ione Skye on crack, Humpty! She bones Gary first and yells at him the whole time. "C'mon, this is my busiest night! Let's get it on!"; "No, not there! What're ya doin??!"; "You've still got a lot ta learn, little boy, ya know that?" He is thoroughly traumatized and barfs on the street when he's finished. Yeah, that happens sometimes when you purchase affection from people.

Know what else happens? Scorching cases of crabs! Yes indeed, all three dudes get crabs from their trysts with Ruby the Meanie Hooker. After a failed attempt at drowning the crabs in the community swimming pool ("I thought crabs loved the water!"), they suck it up and head to the pharmacy for some pubicide and the old fart at the counter laughs at them.

III. Back at the Satyricon Burger Joint, Gary overhears the well-hung nerd from the boner-measuring scene tell David that Rick "took Karen to the football field to bust her cherry." And what does Gary do? Guess. What's the worst thing he could do upon hearing this news? Yeah, he fucking drives to the football field to...intervene? Rub one out? I have no idea! It doesn't really matter since Gary never finds them. We the audience, however, see Rick peel off his pink Jockey tank

before he removes Karen's tube top and deflowers her on a bench.

IV. We return to the Satyricon Burger Joint yet again. Gary is brooding. Rick and Karen enter and he broods harder. While Karen is off ordering a post-coital ice cream cone, Gary interrogates Rick regarding his whereabouts that evening and Rick gloats "I fucked Karen!" while making this face:

At this, Gary storms off to angrily wank in his pale pink PUSSYMOBILE until his cock is a shriveled husk (I'm guessing.)

Then the movie takes a turn for the awesome and becomes a heinous soap opera...

Some time later, Gary spies a Stage Whisper Fight in the school library between Karen and Rick.

Rick stage whispers "Would you get the fuck out of here? You're embarrassing the shit out of me!" (dang, that really is cruel) and Karen leaves in tears.

In true creepy dude fashion, Gary sees this moment of emotional vulnerability as an opportunity to advance his relationship with Karen. He might even get a hug out of this...a DICK HUG!

Gary finds Karen weeping against her locker in a denim skirt and Journey's "Open Arms" starts to play. He half-heartedly attempts to comfort her with some empty platitudes ("Relax! You know how couples have their moments. He'll cool off."), but then the Journey song swells to its crescendo ("AND SO I COOOME TO YOOOOOUUU WITH OOOPEN AAAAARMS!" Sing it, Steve!) as Karen announces "I'm...I'm PREGNANT!" Her luminous face is shellacked with gooey tears.

[This picture really makes me want to get a perm and neglect my eyebrows. What a bitchin' babe.]

Gary assures her they're going to "take care of this" and returns to the library to administer a righteous ass-kicking to Rick. Sadly, the righteous ass-kicking quickly devolves into some incredibly limp and stage-y verbal fisticuffs:

Rick: You're just jealous it wasn't you!

Gary: You are a stupid asshole!

Rick: Any time, pizza boy! Any time, man!

Gary: You're the biggest loon I've ever met!

Rick: You'll regret this, Gary man! You'll regret this!

Gary: You are nothing but a piece of shit!

Seriously, you should check out Gary's erudite, restrained elocution in this scene. It's phenomenal!

While the rest of the gang is away on a ski trip, Gary takes Karen to an abortion clinic for the aforementioned Taking Care Of It. Geez, where do I even start with this deeply offensive sequence? Let's start with the icy Germanic receptionist, shall we?

Oooh, look at that icy Germanic abortionist with her steely blue eyes! Shit, Gary, why didn't you take her to one of those "crisis pregnancy centers" where they let you feed orphaned songbirds while politely telling you lies about abortion?

Icy German: You know, of course, there are certain precautions you could've taken before the few moments of pleasure that you enjoyed. [Wait a sec...maybe this is a crisis pregnancy center!] The operation itself is quite simple. [Never mind] Still, it does cost money. $250 to be EXACT.

Gary: That's OK, I can cover that.

Icy German: CASH.

And with that, we're treated to a montage (oddly set to U2's "I Will Follow") of Gary pawning shit to earn the $250 AND Karen being subjected to a brazenly inaccurate and sensational depiction of abortion. I'm pretty sure Karen got her abortion at an evangelical Christian Hell House.

The doctor is ugly and pock-marked!

Her dainty stems are roughly fastened into stirrups!

[I can't speak from first-hand experience, but I'm quite sure they don't put your entire fucking lower legs into the stirrups. They're fo' yo' feets, dummies! But it just wouldn't be a Hell House if they didn't take such liberties, now, would it? ]


[I have seen If These Walls Could Talk and If These Walls Could Talk 2 Fast 2 Furious: Tokyo Drift and I KNOW that anesthesia isn't a normal part of these proceedings. But it just wouldn't be a Hell House if they didn't take such liberties, now, WOULD IT?]

There's also a gratuitous full frontal shot of Karen naked and crying. Cuz titillation and moralization are like Laurel 'n Hardy, like Feldman 'n Haim: one without the other just isn't the same!

After much grovelin' and barterin', Gary earns the money and delivers it to the Icy German, who greedily fans it in front of her face before directing him to Karen's room.

Hey, look! Gary brought Karen some Congrats on the 'Bortion gifts and they are...a miniature tree and a bundle of oranges?

I'm assuming these were selected for being seasonally appropriate (context clues indicate that it's Christmastime), but still...oranges and a baby tree? Gary, I've been in your shoes many times and I gotta tell ya, nothing says "Way to get that fetus out of your bod!" quite like herbal tea and candles that smell like the breath of infants. Remember that for next time, k?

Karen seems pleased enough with his choice of presents, though.

Look at that face! Such radiance!

Where I come from, we call that the Post-Abortion Glow. Pretty clever, huh?

After admiring her dewey face for a few minutes, Gary takes Karen back to his late grandmother's house ("No one's been here for a year!") to sleep off the telltale Glow. Here's a scene from their first night together:

Awww! Gary, how nice of you to tuck her in...with your shirt off. Whenever there's a scene where a dude is watching a lady sleep, I always want it to end with the lady abruptly waking up to reveal she is a VAMPIRE! And she was just FAKE SLEEPING to get her prey close enough so she could FEED!

On their last night in the dead grandma's house, Karen and Gary are packing together (Gary still has his shirt off) when they have a Moment. She earnestly thanks Gary for "everything you've done for me" and then Journey's "Open Arms" starts playing and you know shit's about to get ugly, or at least inter-facial. Gary turns to Karen and, on the verge of tears, confesses his undying love: "'s just that...that...I love you. I always have. Ever since I first saw you, I've loved you. I could never tell you, but...I love you. (Oh, and I had sex with a prostitute last month. Hope that doesn't make me seem fucked up about women. You're one of the good ones, anyway. P.S. I got crabs from the prostitute.")

Karen is NOT fooled by his line. In fact, she kind of looks like she might laugh at him.

Sadly, Karen is polite and instead allows Gary to kiss her because the chorus of "Open Arms" mandates that an inter-facial love moment be shared.

Well this is just GREAT! Thanks to that moment of obligatory smoochin', Gary is now convinced that he and Karen are boyfriend girlfriend. Her birthday is that weekend, so of course he gets her a totally presumptuous, inappropriate gift: a stupid locket inscribed with "To Karen, With Love."

Oh dear, this is not going to end well.

And it really doesn't! Gary arrives at Karen's party with the stupid locket and finds her in the kitchen, hungrily sucking face with Rick.

He regards them with that walnut-chinned face you get when you're about to sob,

Karen looks at him like "Sorry, buddy, you're real nice but Rick is hot and I'm a teenage girl and therefore all about sex with hot people. What, you want to make me feel guilty about that? Buzz off!",

and the film ends with Gary crying as he rides away in his pale pink PUSSYMOBILE.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

B(e) R(ight) B(ack)!

"It's like I'm seeing you for the first time tonight, bro."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Twin Peaks Thoughts

Fake Crying While Wearing Liquid Eyeliner = Instant David Lynch Ingenue!

Shit, girl, where your 1950s throwback fashions at?

In my deepest, darkest fantasies, there's a scene in Fire Walk With Me where Laura harasses patrons at the Double R Diner about reading her diary à la Amy Poehler in this sketch from Upright Citizens Brigade.

"Were you trying to read my diary?!"


"Were you trying to read my most secret thoughts?! Fine, I'll read them to you: 'I had sex with BOB last night. He smells like warm garbage and Frito's. GROSS!'

Certain scenes with Donna and Laura in Fire Walk With Me really remind me of unstable, precocious blonde friends I had when I was a teenager. Actually, it's just that scene where Laura has a melodramatic weepy "moment" in front of everyone at the Julee Cruise show, and Donna sees her crying and looks half concerned, half really irritated and tries to ignore her. I totally relate, D. My blonde friend tried to pull the exact same shit on me at a Denny's once.

When I watch the Canadian bacchanal scene, I like to pretend that it's actually footage from David Lynch's birthday party. Try it!

I highly recommend NOT visiting Twede's Cafe in North Bend, where they shot all the Double R Diner scenes in Twin Peaks. It's incredibly bleak. All the Twin Peaks memorabilia is sequestered in the hallway next to the bathroom, and there are a million or so plush Tweety birds in different outfits suspended from the ceiling.

Here is the toilet-adjacent "Twin Peaks" wall:

And here is a mere morsel of the Tweety bird explosion:

Monday, October 13, 2008

Help! I'm being attacked by a psychic vampire!

This is true crime writer Sondra London, dubbed Queen of the Serial Killer Groupies after highly publicized "romances" with GJ Schaefer (pictured above) and Gainesville Ripper, Danny Rolling in the late 1980s.

Errol Morris interviewed her for an installment of his First Person series titled (what else!) The Killer Inside Me, and it is, to use the vernacular, a DOOZIE! Throughout the interview, London fluctuates between quiet repulsion at the crimes of her incarcerated paramours and eerie, girlish rhapsodizing about her love for "bad boys", as though savage rapists and murderers were on a par with the likes of Mickey Rourke and Heathcliff (the brooding dickweed from Wuthering Heights, not the cartoon cat. Come to think of it, Heathcliff the cartoon cat could be pretty fucking menacing at times. I wouldn't put it past him to take a life or two and maybe even cannibalize his victims. Seriously).

I spent the whole morning trying to find some decent footage from the Morris interview, but all I could find was a measly scrap wherein Sondra offers this tenuous explanation for her lot in life: "I never wanted to be a repeatable person!"

However, I did find a wealth of interviews conducted on afternoon talk shows and tabloid-y old news programs like A Current Affair. They're not as artful or tastefully shot as The Killer Inside Me (I expected more from you, Leeza Gibbons!) but still worth a look.

Here's Sondra during an appearance on Leeza. Based on the grooming habits of this highly telegenic audience, I'd guess this was filmed in 1995 or so. Keep your eyes peeled for the wacky snap shot of Sondra play-strangling GJ Schaefer (LOL! It's funny because that was his preferred method of killing women!)

She totally looks like a Judd with her hair like that. A Judd possessed by a demon. A demon that shills crystals at Rock & Gem shows.

And here she is on another talk show I'm not able to identify. Does this "spacious cabin in the woods" set look familiar to anyone?

Whoever posted this video omitted all of the host's dialogue so it sounds like Sondra's just tangentially monologuing for 7 minutes. It's pretty great.

By now, I'm sure all y'alls interest has been piqued re: this lady. Possibly you are wondering "Where did Sondra get that amazing Crime Does Not Pay!!! sweater?" I can't answer that. Possibly you are also wondering "Does she have a somewhat unnavigable and aesthetically dubious web site?" YES! Yes she does! Here is her home page. Try not to get too soooothed by the nature sounds, harp music, butterflies and hummingbirds. At first glance, it appears that this is the whole of her site. But if you scroll to the very bottom of the page, you will find links to the meat of this thing: Several Selves and Cyber Detox. Start with Still Wierd [sic] and work your way through. And god help you if you get stoned before this journey. You risk turning your life inside out through your butt.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

"You're supposed to get turned on, stupid, not pass out."

I first saw this classic piece during christmas break in 7th grade. My family rented it along with Meatballs for a "summer camp night" in our living room, an effort on my ma's part to be more deliberate about family time.

After a cursory glance at the VHS box, I wasn't too stoked about Little Darlings. I didn't recognize either of the girls and, unlike Meatballs, the cover art didn't hint at the AWESOME SHIT contained within. Also, I was heavy into a Young Adult novel about vampires in love and wanted to go have some nebulous Sexy Thoughts about it on my futon once Meatballs was over.

Then I remembered what happened last time I took a chance on an unfamiliar movie at my mom's recommendation: I saw Aidan Quinn and Daryl Hannah have incredibly graphic sex in a high school boiler room! He even takes a whiff of her underpants after they do it!

So with that in mind, I settled in for a pivotal viewing experience that would inform my taste in movies, hair styles, outfits, dudes, and Lifestyle Choices well into my early adulthood. I still can't go two months without at least having this movie play in the background while I clean the apartment.

As the poster's tag line suggests, Little Darlings chronicles the quest of two nubile teenage girls, played by Tatum O'Neal and Kristy McNichol, to bust their respective maidenheads for a cash prize ($100!).

Tate plays Ferris Whitney, who we can tell is cultured, educated and wealthy because

(1) she is shown boarding a town car in front of a house with Grecian-style columns during the opening credits,

(2) she owns a white linen pantsuit with a matching cap,

(3) she speaks French! This comes in handy later in the movie, when she attempts to woo an older, similarly cultured man.

Kristy Mc plays Angel Bright, who has the exact same hair color as Ferris. But the similarity ends there...or does it? It does. Angel (don't let da name fool ya!) is poor, uncultured, and Street Smart. We know this because she boasts of learning to hold her own in physical brawls at Madison Square Garden, hotwires a fucking school bus, doesn't know what the hell the bookish girl is talking about when she starts quoting Ophelia, and rebuffs smarmy sexual advances with violence.

Oh, and her mom is young and sexy, smokes Virginia Slims, and wears halter dresses without a bra. TYPICAL POOR PERSON.

The bet is instigated by bitch-faced Cinder, who claims to have lost her virginity when she was 13.

She once appeared as "the Before girl in the Tidy Tangles Cream Rinse commercial" and offers her residual check ($100!) to the first girl who knocks boots for real.

Ferris begins to pursue swarthy camp counselor Gary Callahan, played by a pre-EFL (Egregious Face Lift) Armand Assante. I can understand that. Armand looks wicked hot in this movie, even though his neck is rather thick and in certain scenes appears to be several shades lighter than his face.

That being said, he's like 32, Ferris! And you're an 8th grader! What the fuck do you think is going to happen?! Nothing, unless he's an amoral pervert! Jesus Christ, why are we even discussing this?!

Angel has a much more practical approach: flirt with Randy the barely-not-retarded guy from the boys' camp across the lake and ply him with purloined cans of Budweiser! Good thinkin', Angel! Sadly, the barely-not-retarded guy is played by one of my least favorite actors of all time, Matt Dillon.

Here he is playing around with some nunchucks (and dressing to the right. Left is for gays and witches, I hear).

God, he is just awful. His Kool Aid-stained lips, his pigeon chest, his extraordinarily poor elocution...Angel, this guy is a total zero. Remember when he referred to his brain as "up there"? That's never a good sign. I understand his usefulness in the context of this competition (easy lay, real horny and hard up) but I urge you to steer clear of this type when you start looking for a domestic partner.

In the end, Ferris fails to bed Gary but lies and tells the other girls she did in a most naive and bullshitty fashion ("He compared us to Romeo and Juliet", "the darkness enveloped us", etc) and Angel unceremoniously loses it to Randy on a BED OF HAY in a dank boathouse but lies and tells the other girls she didn't because she is so deeply ashamed. Of course.

Soon thereafter, Ferris and Angel both find themselves sulking on tire swings.

They tearfully confide their respective lies to each other and become best friends. THE END!

But first feast your eyes on this, the scene leading up to Angel's EVENTUAL, SHAMEFUL, ACTUAL, FACTUAL deflowering:

I've taken the time to transcribe this for y'all so you can act it out with a friend. YOU'RE WELCOME!

"You're shivering."



"I feel funny. I'm trembling."

"Y' scared?"

"A little."

"Me too."

"How come?"

"I dunno...I thought a lot about you this week."

"Me too. When I first met you, I...I thought you seemed like a nice person."

"You know...your hair's so soft. It's funny, you talk real rough...but then your skin and everything's so soft."

"Is that okay?"

"Are you kidding? That's fantastic! I can talk to you like a guy, but you're're..."

[They kiss]

"That was nice."

"Yeah, I been around a little. Some guys like to rush a girl, but not me."

"So have you been here before? I mean, before us?"

"Yeah, you know...sometimes I come out here to think. Doesn't look like anything's going on in my head, huh? There's a lot going on up there!"

"Have you thought about me here?"

"Yeah...I was hoping we'd get together. I haven't been with anybody since I got to know you."

"...don't laugh...I wanna, I wanna...if...right you care about me a little?"